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Around this time, I had further clarification of my situation at a men's kejiwaan day at Loudwater. I had joined the small group that wanted to discuss and test around personal, more psychological/spiritual issues. Of the five of us, three wanted to ask specific questions and, after lunch, having discussed the issues and phrased the questions, we went back to test. 'What are the behaviours or attitudes that manifest as Marcus's current health problems?' we asked. As we received the answers, I felt like a four-year-old child reaching out to go in one direction, towards something I wanted, but was being dragged away in the opposite direction by more powerful, adult, parental forces. The conflict would tear me in two if I didn't acquiesce. I was left with a feeling of bitterness. It was so unfair.

Here was the spiritual corroboration of my reading. I had repeatedly re-created, in adulthood, the emotional atmosphere of when I was growing up - namely, that sense of allowing myself to be thwarted and frustrated. By failing to express and make known my needs, frustrations and hurts, I had nursed and nurtured my nodules.

In an earlier latihan, it had been made clear to me that I was forever 'putting my neck on the line' for others , as a way of avoiding 'sticking my neck out' on my own behalf.

This was such a neat summation of my situation and I knew it was spot-on. The false activity of my thyroid manifests as 'always putting myself out for others' - not out of altruism, but as away of avoiding the responsibility of doing what I really want to do. And I guess I've done this all my life. After the first test, we asked, 'What should Marcus do to overcome these attitudes and behaviours?'

Doing any kind of justice in writing to the multifarious feelings that this question engendered would require the literary skills of all the Nobel Prize for Literature winners this century.

'The freest possible expression of the love of self, of God and the whole of creation. Fun, enjoyment, living life to the full ...'  were a few of the blandishments I groped for at feedback time.

On paper, it's all so easy. I must simply stop creating the illusion that everything depends on me and that everyone is imposing on me to do this or that; wanting help here and support there, usually here and now. Through surrender I must learn to say no, gently - to myself, to others - and just get on with what I really need to do, that which I'm here for. Time to unblock the bottleneck, stick my neck out and go for it, neck and crop, in other words.

However, I still needed to cure my disease. After testing, by myself, a whole range of possible alternative approaches, I felt very strongly that Chinese medicine was the correct one in general and that our local Chinese Medical Centre in particular was the place to go. I then tested, as a safeguard, was it best for my health to use the hospital's conventional approach or Chinese medicine? Intriguingly, what I felt was that either would be acceptable, but not both together, as long as the behaviour that caused the manifestation was addressed! (A couple of years ago, after consultation with an alternative medical practitioner about a problem I had with reflux oesophagitis and excess stomach acid, I totally changed my diet and the condition cleared up. What occurs to me now, in letters so obvious I probably didn't see them at first, is because I cured the symptoms without addressing the underlying behaviours and attitudes, they have manifested elsewhere. Same problem, different expression.)

I decided to go for the Chinese medicine and booked an appointment. The young Chinese lady doctor that I consulted took down my medical history, then felt my pulse.

'Your pulse is very lethargic. Your Qi is weak, your water is low and the heat is rising,' she said.
Somehow, I knew instinctively she had hit the nail on the head. Especially as the hospital had diagnosed hot-spots in the neck! I read a little about the principles of Chinese medicine. It appears that Yin and Yang should be in balance. Yin is 'the shady side of the hill' Yang is 'the sunny side'. These two forces interact dynamically. They are in opposition, interdependent, consume each other and transform each other. Think of the sun rising in the sky over a hill. The shady side gets smaller and smaller until the afternoon when the shadow begins to get longer and deeper as the sun sets. Yin is essentially feminine, watery and is cold, passive, descending and so on. Yang is essentially masculine, fiery and is hot, active and ascending, etc. The Qi (pronounced 'chee') energy is the force which binds everything in the universe together. Condensed it is matter, refined it is spirit. The fact that my dis-ease was centred in my throat - the gate where spirit transforms into matter - suddenly took on a new significance.

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