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Was it only seven years since seeing a poster for the Macmillan Cancer Relief Fund saying that "Cancer doesn't have to be a killer" that I'd shuddered and thought who are they trying to kid. With so many friends and family dead or dying of the "Big C" how could I believe otherwise....Ah these angels of ours how they listen and (seemingly) love to play with us. For I myself within a few years was put to that particlular test. Prompted only by my own inner voice incessantly urging me I had my first mammogram in 1994 at the age of 63.

Sure in my belief that all was well with me and that my feeling of deathly tiredness ( a phrase I constantly used) was a result of my non-stop international travel, international helper work and unexpected return to the theatre, I calmly went alone to have a check up. The smell of fear of those waiting was palpable, feeling the latihan quietly as I sat there kept me free of that (even from the covert time worn fear of the nurses) It was a shocked irritation ten days later to be recalled for further tests. Something made me get my husband to come with me, so surprised was he by my request, and preoccupied that he couldn't take it in, when a shaken Kadariyah returned after several hours and a needle biopsy, to tell him "they" had found something and could he please come with me to talk to the surgeon.

"There's nothing to worry about it Mrs G. I do this all the time, 'though I hadn't wanted to specialise in breasts, we'll just take it out and while we are there the lymph nodes in the arm too"

"Side effects?"

"Oh none to speak of, nothing for you to worry about."

I had wanted to shout "that's fine for you, its not your body" And an image of a mutual friend telling me of how Ingrid Bergman, while working for her last film playing Golda Meier, had to have her arm high up in the air for many hours to drain it enough to appear on set, was strong Instead we said we were going to Greece (for a zonal meeting) the following week and would that be OK.

"Yes we'll see you for the operation in three weeks time"

In spite of their threats of what would happen if I didn't put myself in their hands. I had three weeks to mull it over to get used to the idea that there was an alien mass growing inside.

What to do? First give myself time, delay the op. The stricken faces of the few I told at the zonal meeting; the astringent benefits of hearing "there are worse things"; the advice to take off my jewellery; joined the kalaidescope of feelings, while trying to keep myself quiet enough to know what I should do. Would it be OK to trouble Ibu Rahayu for help? - I did, and back came a raja (an ancient Javanese medicinal prayer given by Holy people) and some dietary advice. I put myself on an intensive (4 days a week) Electro-crystal therapy programme with H. O. But there must be more I could do, Sharifin my husband remembered a Columbian (non-Subud) friend and sometimes our acuputurist who had cured herself of lymphatic cancer. She came, told me of the Max Gerson method, (which is a nutritional and detoxifaction regime through organic diet, juices, supplements etc) and I fell into accepting that in spite of its rigour and the seeming impossibility of giving myself enemas (of coffee several times, not a week, but a day!) and injections,. Could I do it?

Slowly with much a-to-do I did! So that it became less and less strange. I also had biodynamic massage from J. M. a wonderful woman, once a week; sacro-cranial/Touch for Health type massage, as well as straight cranial from A. F., who when asked with a veiled anxiousness had he ever heard of anyone successfully dealing with cancer in this way, said a rueful: "not many, well none actually."

By now I began ro realise I needed monitoring and guiding with the main discipline I was using - the Gerson Diet. Who to go to - I couldn't go to the clinic in Mexico, too expensive, my husband, mostly working abroad, but supportive, was in England for a while at this time and couldn't stand the strain. Mercifully help came along in two ways. First another Raja from Ibu Rahayu and this message: "

Kadariyah can get through this if she has Faith. But her faith must be very great"

Oh dear, Faith! Faith in WHAT? This Doctor? That Doctor? Of course my core knew it is God in whom we need Faith, but it was being eroded by the press of other people's anxiety. Even my GP rang to say what on earth was I doing, she was dreaming about me and why didn't I have the necessary op. My surgeon and doctor in-laws were "pacing up and down with worry". Why was I being so 'silly' 'stubborn', fearful', even 'selfish'? Was this out of concern for me or so that they didn't have to go on worrying about me, and their years of medical training and time-honoured belief systems need not be challenged?

The second help came (of course) through the latihan and testing we found a doctor steeped in cancer therapy, Dr E. C. His regime precipated another crisis. It was intensive! 67 pills a day, 18 different drops 3 injections a day mostly all supplements (and very expensive alas!) up to eight pints of carrot juice a day and coffee enemas every four hours (which in effect meant every three by the time one has set it up , done it and cleared up) My poor husband freaked out and it was just as well perhaps that he was away most of the time. At this time I started to have regular mammograms and extensive blood tests. News was good but not great.

The cancer in the blood count was down, the tumour had not grown but was still there. And some days even walking up stairs was exhausting. The diet, difficult to make interesting and not much energy to do so. Certainly no time or strength to talk on the phone. To all this was added clay poultices on the breast and stomach for 12 hours out of the 24 changing them every 3 hours. H. O. had invented a new energy transplant treatment so I did that too.

The most helpful - the most profound chapter now began for Dr C was beginning to say once the blood count was normal it would be safe (i.e. the cancer would not spread) to have it surgically removed and I knew that there was more work I could do that my process was not finished. Enter Subud sister , H. E. and the real beginning of my understanding of this journey. Of course I had been reading all the right books, listening to Louise Hay (sent by my daughter in Indonesia) and from others. It touched me to learn that people could be so caring. Working with H. through Latihan and with counselling and imagery. I am coming to understand myself more and more, discovered a deep, deep self -loathing which has had to be looked at. Not in a poor me way - thank God that doesn't seem to be one of my many hang ups. Such an intense opportunity (!) to change naturally (I suppose) brought with it dark times of frightening crises - mercifully short and supported by H with all her skill with Sharifin and 2 others who came to Latihan and, as it were, hold me in Light and Love which allowed my progress to flow. Once more I recalled words of Bapak: testing with me in Cilandak about my nature and I asking that I may change for the better, Bapak's soft chuckle as he said "Yes,you will". Silly of me not to realise it would be this painful!

More mammograms, it's still there, but at least not bigger. Dr C bowed out as an operation was all he could suggest. Now I was blessed with coming under the creative care of J. M. - Homeopath-Healer extraordinaire.

At this point it became very clear that the journey was indeed not only on the physical level but was also revealing all the flaws in my marriage. There is no doubt that my close encounter with a reminder of mortality precipitated us both into our own (sometimes all too!) separate journeys. Thank God that my husband chose the courageous path of his own painful development - so that we are returning by the Grace of God to a more real footing, and overcoming old patterns.

Cancer is not an isolated experience and there are many, if not causes, certainly many contributory factors. In the course of the 4 years of dealing with cancer, the joyful advent of two wonderful grandchildren, discipline (as well as God's Grace) helped me by not allowing myself to go to pieces so as not to rock the family boat more than had already happened, but long suppressed fears and anger have to have their expression before being transmuted.

Working with H. E. and absorbing the writings of Caroline Myss helped enormously. Bapak has said "It is only when you can, through the Latihan, give orders to your heart and mind that you can make use of what God has given you."

In changing patterns of behaviour the discovery that the old ones no longer fit is, to say the least, often discombobulating. Coupled with a varying strength: thank goodness that is improving but not without its own progress of (mostly) minor crises, I find I often still do not have enough inner protection for much social interaction. It's a shock coming back to life, its a surprise too.

I've not had another mammogram - having already had more that is safe, after 4 or 5 they will give you cancer. But according to all my healers and most particularly H.O's scan I am clear, looking and feeling better all the time. Thanks be to God.

I've climbed to the top of a mountain now what. How do I recover my life. How do I thank all those friends and strangers all over the world in and out of Subud whose help and prayers got me through this life-giving and changing experience. That is the next task. But thank them, and the Angels, I do.

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